Let’s Start Over
I believe I said in a previous post that I’m not great about blogging consistently. Oct 2020 was my last post. Ummm, yeah… not very consistet. So, I’m starting over.
Not only am I bad at posting regulary, but I also feel like I don’t have anything interesting to say, so why would anyone want to read what I post. However, with all of the mental health concerns in the world, MSl has been on my mind a lot lately. I guess that means there’s no better place to start than right here - how I got to this point in my mental and emotional health.
As I’ve also said in different posts, I have a very hard time creating bonds and relationships with people beyond a surface level due to deep hurt and trust issues. In a nutshell, while growing up, I was constantly made fun of and dismissed by, what felt like, just about everyone I knew, which led me to feel that my thoughts, opinions and ultimately myself weren’t important,
Looking back now, it was the main reason I built a thick wall of self-preservation around my heart, which in turn closed off all of my emotions. I clearly remember the day I put a cork in my emotional bottle. As a young child, I obviously didn’t understand the full ramifications, but figured that if I didn’t care about anything, nothing could hurt me. I also didn’t learn, until I was an adult, that I have depression, which I now know helped the hurt grow stronger roots and my heart’s wall to thicken in response.
Unfortunately, emotions are like a light switch - the lights are either on or off, dimming isn’t an option. So along with blocking the unhappy stuff, the happy emotions were closed out as well. No one, including myself, knew the true me and the few childhood friendships I managed to make never seemed to last more than a couple of years, if that.
I didn’t even realize something was ‘wrong with me’ (my words at that time) until I seriously contemplated suicide one night in my mid 20s. Soon after, I started going to counseling and took the first steps on my journey of learning who I was and am still working on who I am becomming.
One of the most helpful things for me was when I realized that the people who hurt me the most, weren’t trying to hurt me. Beneth it all, there was no malice in what they said or did. Their actions stemmed from their personal baggage and honestly had nothing to do with me, I was just a recipient. Unfotunately, I had no concept of this when I was young and it did a lot of damage. As I continued to shrink inside myself, further away from the world, the wall that guarded my heart (and emotions) became so thick that all I had was apathy for everything, including myself.
One of my most cherished lessons from all of this, is not to judge others and try to meet them where they’re at because everyone has baggage and preconcieved notions that (often subconciously) shape our thoughts, feelings, words and actions.
After many years of soul searching, I still have a very thick wall, but it now has openings, like a castle turret. Emotions can come and go, but are still heavily guarded. As I continue to learn about myself, I challenge my perspectives with new concepts, which helps me understand myself even better. It’s kind of like the onion of life - you get through one layer and ‘hey, look! *sigh* “another layer...” lol. However, peeling the onion is slowly helping the arrow loops get bigger.
