Write What You Know
“Someone once told me that to write well, you have to write what you know.” ~ Josie Geller
It’s been years since I’ve watched that movie. I came across the DVD and figured why not. It wasn’t until the end when she’s writing her article that I felt my depression start to rise. It took me by surprise. She gets the guy, she’s popular, has an amazing career and is happy. Why in the world would that trigger my depression?!?
Then I realized, I am Josie Geller. Maybe not in the full context, but the nerd who marched to her own drum. The one who was made fun of, bullied and dismissed by kids at school and some family members. One of the biggest differences between myself and Josie is that at an early age, I turned my emotions off. I was tired of being made fun of and dismissed. It became my ultimate self-preservation mode.
I remember that day as if it was yesterday. It was 2 months, almost to the day, until my 10th birthday. My grandma (paternal) had passed away earlier that morning after many years of big health issues. At first I cried, but it didn’t last long. I remember thinking to myself, “Why should I cry? She’s not stuck in her body anymore. She’s free to do whatever and go wherever she wants.” Even now, that memory is kind of surprising becaue it seems like a big thought for an almost 10 year old, but I remember thinking it.
Unlike when teenage Josie was “asked” to the prom by the popular boy and later egged and laughed at, when people bullied and dismissed me (no eggs and I didn’t go to my prom - no I don’t regret it), I had no reaction. My world was monotone, I had no emotions in order to give a reaction.
It wasn’t until my mid 20s when one night I seriously contemplated suicide, that I realized there had to be something better. When I finally did go to counseling, I had to relearn how to laugh and cry - the basic emotions we’re all born with. Here I am, about 15 years later back in counseling because I can’t emotionally connect with anyone or anything except my cat.
At some point, I recognized that I couldn’t emotionally connect with anyone other than my cat. After a while I began wondering, “What’s wrong with me?”. It took me awhile, but I finally realized that they may not have understood or even cared that I was saying something, but as long as they got love, they gave love in return. I wasn’t judged, dismissed or left feeling unimportant.
In one of my latest counseling sessions, my therapist said that she felt I was “dancing around the issue”. I had no idea what she was talking about. Without even knowing it, being dismissed when I shared somthing as a kid taught me that I and my thoughts and feelings weren’t important. Part of my issue now is since I was treated that way so regularly, I have a difficult time recognizing it when it happens, which keeps me locked within my self.
Until I learn how to trust with my heart, which I have absolutly no idea how to do, I don’t think I’ll be able to connect with others, including those I love.
So… I don’t know if I write well, but I do write what I know. I know lots of things, but am only now discovering just how deep my depression and hurt are burried.
If you find that you are in a similar situation where you can only connect with your pet, don’t dismiss that. It means you can make emotional connections, but you have to work through something before that connection can happen with others.
